Letting Go of Rio

I've been finding myself daydreaming about the Rio Olympics. What it would be like to go and pick up my Team GB tracksuit, getting all briefings about what you need to know. Imagining the training plans we'd make and the technical tricks we would refine. Wondering what it would be like to walk into the Olympic Stadium on a warm Brazilian evening. Imagining the thrill of ripping a run down the river on the biggest day and on the biggest stage. Thinking about how utterly insane it would be to defend the title I won with Tim in 2012.

But then I remember that it can't happen. We didn't make the Olympic boat spot at the Olympic Trials the weekend just passed. Although we will be named as the official reserve boat when the team is announced, I would consider it to be highly unlikely (and very sad for the people concerned) that for some reason we would be substituted in further down the line. So it's all just daydreaming and probably only ever will be. I'm going to have to let go of this.

Blazing into the finish. Thanks to Neil Proctor.

The Olympic Trials were as tough as I expected them to be. We recognised that we had a mountain to climb and conditions weren't especially favourable. But we decided as a crew that we wanted to race at the top of our ability regardless of the chances of success. We wanted to express all that we were and all that we had gained in the last year as a crew. We wanted to be free of ideas about what could be, or what should have been, and just be completely and utterly free to race. We had six runs over the weekend, and although our 'Road to Rio' could be ended after any one of them, we wanted to race each one for the joy and to see what we could do. That was pretty inspiring.

In the end, David and Richard's first run of the first race was enough to seal their place. Our second run charge to try and overhaul them was probably one of the finest technical runs of my life - for the first 80 or so seconds! It was lovely, we were skipping, sliding and running all the features and currents. Then, coming into the bottom drop, we got a bit wayward, spinning out before an upstream gate. We lost 1.7 seconds there and then, and we lost a little more in the final spin move, but that was what cost us the race and the chance to take it through to the next day. Of course, we would have then had to win Sunday and Monday to guarantee our nomination, but that is another daydream entirely!

Getting into the last upstream gate on the last day. Thanks to Alex Irwin.

We then fought a tooth and nail battle with Rhys Davies and Matt Lister over the next few days, both crews vying to be named as reserves. Frankly, they mostly had the better of it, their pace was a bit stronger and on Saturday we picked up a crucial penalty. On the final day, we were left needing to win and Matt and Rhys tied their colours to the mast on the first run. Our last run of the weekend was by no means beautiful (I cannot recall much, but I do remember rarely being where I'd hoped I would be), but it was effective. We were just going as fast as we could, and a bit of control was sacrificed. It wasn't deliberate, but it gave us a fast time enough time to absorb a touch and take the win. I was gutted for Matt and Rhys, they are really nice guys and I considered it to have been a good contest, both crews battled to the end, with good character and grace. There were clearly three World top-ten crews in the race and the racing was accordingly sturdy.

As for the other contests, well, they were all humdingers! I can be certain that every single athlete out there was tested, they went through their own trials getting themselves onto the startline and holding things together when things got a bit wayward (as they inevitably do in our fantastically uncontrollable sport)! A few stories really stood out for me: Lizzie Neave's last gasp 50 on the Monday which ended her road. Her pain was hard to witness, she had campaigned so well; Huw Swetnam's 'privateer' assault to get back onto the Senior Team nearly took him to Rio (that would have been a fairytale-and-a-half), demonstrating to everybody that resourcefulness and tenacity can overcome the disadvantages of not being on Lottery funding; the battle for the 3rd C1M spot between Adam Burgess and Tom Quinn, carried out on a knife edge and with some intense racing; the battle for the 3rd K1M spot between Bradley Forbes-Cryans and Tom Brady. My jaw was a bit slack watching the kayak racing, I sometimes couldn't believe what these guys were pulling off; Jasmine Royle fighting on a very tough wicket to get back into the C1W Team, and going down punching. It was emotional, keenly felt because I knew all those involved and could easily imagine the grit and spirit required.

Which brings me onto the main story of the weekend, the Olympic Team. There is no doubt in my mind that the Rio team is the strongest Olympic team ever across the four classes. All the members have won medals at top flight international races. David Florence and Richard Hounslow already have Olympic medals in their cabinets. David and Richard made their selections more assured with their Worlds results, but I have no doubt that they had to work very hard to seal the deal, even though it was done comparatively quickly. Their experience and consistency will be powerful. Fiona Pennie's battle will undoubtedly have added to her confidence as a big day performer, and she now becomes a double Olympian. I believe that Joe Clarke's exceptionally controlled run to secure the K1M place could well be a defining moment in his career, giving him the confidence to stand on the Olympic stage and race freely on the big days. Congratulations to them all, it's a very big deal and they were selected off the back of excellent performances!

So it is going to be tough watching them. There will be plenty of reminders of these trials. I can admit  that I anticipate having to deal with some painful feelings on many occasions over the next few months. But therein lies the challenge for me. I know that I can feel like this, it's all too easy.

Thanks to Peter Milsom.

But I don't want to. I want to allow myself to feel contentment in what I did and what I do, grateful for the chance to paddle at a high level for a few months longer. I don't want to feel bad about what might have been, I want to feel good about what I have already. I think it is possible, and although I will allow myself the odd Rio day dream, I will be sure to generate some alternative 2016 stories to entertain myself. I will choose to let go of Rio and grab onto the day I have.